Battling between my heart and mind
Knowing what’s right and not ok

Heart yearning for that attention and fulfillment my mind knows is make believe

My world ain’t no fairytale

My true love is not my prince charming…

Love was never enough and still not proving to be

“Holding back your feelings will save yourself from others, but never from yourself”

Will saying how I feel for the sixth year in row, the millionth time… will it make a difference?

Will taking the first step for friendship look how I want it too…

Too many risks,
Risks I’ve taken before on the same one
For the same reason
For this reoccurring feeling deep inside

Tears will just have to do as my outlet
Words can’t seem to ever express,
Nor fix what my mind and heart working together are able to imagine

The Scream

7th grade
Scared to leave the security my mother offers me
The only sure thing in my life
My back jean pocket, your almost unrecognizable smiling face stays folded up day after day …
Moves to the inside of my pillow case each night as I pray for all this to be a nightmare

I just wanted to imagine you still had my back
That you were still the one tucking me into bed each night
Caring I made it to bed each night
Looking out for my best interests
Knowing I would never have to search for the love and attention a young girl needed in any unworthy place because I was your, Angel Princess


Drugs
The bottle
Your new family,
residents of my childhood home

Your plastic surgery
I don't know you...

The life you missed enough to forget the new one you had created
“What’s a father?” they ask you…
Another sip eases the pain of your own confusion and loss of self


My eyes swollen from tears
Yells
Nights of tossing and turning
As close to my mother in bed as I could be

My new story and song in your absence
In the dark of uncertainty and dread that bed time brought

The memories…

Never knew when or if I’d see your face…no matter how much I hated you I could never lose my daddy’s girl love

That pain is always present,
Depending on how far back I can bury it on a day to day basis
Depends on whether I feel hope or hopeless

I think of you on nights like this
When a father’s love,
Hug,
Or song is just what I need
To know I deserved the love from the man I loved
No matter what betrayal may have took place

To know that he didn’t deserve me
To be reassured there’s another,
That I’m beautiful

When I stop and think about it, it’s worse
When I hear others comments on the situation I feel shame

your shame

the shame your buzz doesn't allow you to feel

The shame and pain I must take on for you,
your addictions "save" you

So caught up in the whirlwind of life
The uncertainty of what each day will bring,
What phone call might come that day…
Maybe you’ll be a surprise guest?
But my luck has never been that great…
Guess I’ll go through another day and night,
Maybe week or month,
not sure if you’re alive or dead
Safe or on the streets
Warm or Cold
Hungry or High

Never do I want a pity party
Never do I want to have to answer the question of how you are
I don’t know
Not good?
 I’ve lost you
You lost me
Never would I have dreamed of these years we have suffered through

As the tears form,
The same damn tears that are always waiting for their cue
I want to scream…

I’ve been holding in this scream for so long now…
too long

My mind races…non stop
YOU
Are the reason
Drained,
My faith is draining again
I see it my eyes,
in my presence and I feel it in my heart...
I feel it in the returning thoughts who came for revenge
You’re worse then trying to survive after love,
letting go of a partner
You’re worse then finding out your “bestfriends” are only bitches in disguise
They are scum
Their drama is amusement to me
But you
My father
My story time reader,
Song singer
Name giver
Reason I’m alive
Father
I can’t let go
I can’t just forget no matter the amount of “it’s all you can do”  that go in one ear and out the other

Lost
Scared
Broken

Those three feelings are all I’m sure of
All I’m sure of that is me, right now

That’s me and my reality

The verse, the words inked into my skin for the world to see
They’re for you
They’re screaming for you
I’d give anything for you

Forever
No matter what
Your words
Your vision
Your inside beauty

The beauty
The heart
The Father you used to be

Forever inked
for everyone to see
To the outside, they're simply some lines from a song, memories of their younger years
To me its your heart...
Your heart on my sleeve


Forever a part of me

You

A Call to the Past

I'm just sittin here alone
wonderin how I got here
All those promises you made,
evaporated into thin air
All the promises made,
in the dark to myself
They've all turned their back on me...just like everyone else

I can barely get outta bed each day
My strength has left this heart
mhmm
bet you can see that
I don't wanna face anotha full day this way
These tears keep gettin harder to hold back,
when I just wanna break

All I'm sayin is I'm sick of fakin it
Runnin from sunrise to sunset
for these paychecks that are gone the same damn day

FUCK someone shine a light at the end of my tunnel

Not tryin to sound all outta hope
But I've gotten to the end of my rope

You don't even know me
not like you ever cared to

Yeah, you chose your highs
and never cared about my lows

I wanna keep going
just to show ya I never needed ya

I can barely fall asleep each night
My mind never stops
 bet you can see that
I don't wanna face another night alone
These tears keep gettin harder to hold back,
when I just wanna break

All I'm sayin is I'm sick of fakin it
Gettin up only to apply a fake face
just so I can smile and make everyone think I'm aight

 GoodBye
I'll be hangin up this pen, now.

I know the rest

The feeling’s back
It came even before you left again

Yeah, in that short time you were back again

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me…
You know the rest

So, what’s the clever saying for fool me 8 or 10 times?

Oh okay, then you’re just the
Hopeless
Pathetic
Romantic, actually believing their words will be followed by some heartfelt action…

Maybe they’d grow a pear
HA
Maybe they’d grow a pear and actually be there

Too much to ask
Too much to ask of a person
The person who, you know, started this whole mess anyway
Who smothered me after I was finally breathing again


Hopeful

You saw my light and you needed it for yourself
You robbed me of the rare FAITH I was holding onto,
That I had just caught again

You saw my light,
You saw a change and in that split second you thought you wanted to be a part of that
That you were ENTITLED to be a part of that
So you worked me
You worked me cause you know me
You worked me.
You know me.
And well, that’s why I’m down again
Out of breath
Stuck
Disbelief
A deer caught in headlights while you speed past still trying to win  your own race

Maybe you’d grow a pear
Maybe you’d grow a pear and actually be there

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me twice…
You know the rest

No, I know the rest
I know how this plays out

This “thing” between you and I
This “thing” that in working me you turn into a twist of fate
An everlasting bond

Blah blah blahhhhhhhh

But no, I know the rest
I know how this plays out

This “thing” between you and I is yet,
Just another vicious cycle playing my life
Another event on rewind
Another piece to my insanity

I know this “thing”
I know who’s left hurt
Because I know who actually fell again
Who actually believed this “thing”
That this “thing” was a twist of fate,
An everlasting bond

It’s me who’s left in the dark
You stole my light, you took my hope I worked so hard to earn back

That I struggle for
That I fought for
That I had to get up and get ready through the mess for
That I had to fight myself for
That each and everyday gets harder and harder

This “thing”
This twist of fate
This “awakening” YOU had
I really felt it

As much as it burns my mouth even to say

I really wanted it

You didn't care
You never cared
With the other vicous cycles circling in my life right now, you took advantage of vulnerability
You got drunk off your selfishness and slurred words for your own gain.


How dare you…

Maybe you’d grow a pair
Maybe you’d grow a pair and actually be there

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me over and over
Fool me into a cycle

This time you don’t know the rest
This time I will know the rest and be proud
This time it’s goodbye
This time there’s no cycle

I’ve branched out

So you keep running your race
I’m on my new path and you?
HA
You’re no where in it

So run your race

Play your games

Keep circling
Repeating
Chasing

Only fools can’t be alone
Only fools keep their life on rewind
Only fools search for anothers light to make their own
Only fools play

Who’s the fool now…

Maybe you’ll grow a pear
Maybe you’ll grow a pear and actually be there
But I don’t even care
Have my light.

I’m out of your race
I’m taking my path to shine even brighter
To breathe again

Hope you don’t lose your breath
Trust me, it’s hard to get back
Especially when you’re running alone...

Fool me once shame on you

The only fool playing now is you...

Snow...Freeze Me

The snow falls down,

Something rare for our hometown

I’m loving it’s timing

The symbol it has for me

Freezing over the pain,

The “funk” I hadn’t been able to shake off

Melting away how heated I have felt,

The burn deep down

It’s comfort

And peace…

Not sure what it means for me, but I’m smiling…

Hoping for things to look up from here…

Hoping for others to see the real me,

To appreciate,

The snow

The cold

The ice

So delicate,

Fragile….

Just like a new beginning,

Don’t rush

Take it slow

Enjoy the beauty of change,

The beauty of starting fresh…

One day at a time

Just live

Be the best you can,

Be what you want others to see

I want you to see me

For me

Not for the past,

Nor for the life I’m caught in

The me that expresses through these words,

These words of desperation,

My last attempt on this page…

I want to runaway, but the snow, the slow pace today slows me down, rewinds for me

reminds me to not wish for what I’m not ready for

not to fast forward through my favorite part

Be careful

All that came with freedom from you,

Was more thoughts about you,

Was being held back even more by you… but in the way I should’ve yearned for from the start…

I’m young,

I was hurt,

Scared…

Fear should be a challenge to keep going,

Not an excuse to give up

I’m sorry for not knowing soon enough

This snow

The blanket covering my pain, freezing my sadness…

I’m ready now….

I hope you are too…

Believe me

Believe IN me…

See me

If only

I’ve made you cry

Pour your heart out into a soulless telephone

I’ve caused you to pay the price for my past,

For my scars you did not cause

Putting up with so much, for days

Weeks

Months

Years…

“You don’t know what you have till, it’s gone…”

You feel so far now,

There’s no one to blame but myself

Blaming myself for losing you…

True, you caused tears to be shed,

And my heart to break… but what choice did I leave you?

I placed a fear in you

My holding back became contagious,

No longer were you the free spirit I feel in love with

Feeling as if I damaged you,

All I want is to heal you

I wanna prove you are everything to me

With the sun,

Dusk,

All the way to nightfall

My heart yearns for your voice,

Touch…

I wanna lay my head on your chest,

Hear your heartbeat, have it be my lullaby once again

No regrets…

I try not to but it’s hard when it comes to you

It takes two—I know

But so much I could have done to improve my part

To open my heart, so you would feel safe to do the same

In danger

In happiness

In sadness

I want to share it all with you,

But no longer do I have that privilege

I robbed it from myself, constantly pushing away those that want to love

“Let someone care for you…”

I’m learning, but I guess I know how too late…

At least too late for you, for you and me, for us…

It’s unfair of me to play this game of tug a war with you

Feeling like I gotta let you go, but my heart hurts… feels like a punch to my chest… it”s telling me not to give up.. not yet..

But what choice do I have?

Too late for you, for you and me, for us…

I’m the one to blame this time…

I know now for next time

But next time isn’t you…

 forever the others will be trying to replace you,

To cover your name that’s covering my heart…

Tatted in ink, tatted so deep, I don’t want to go through the pain of having that covered,

Or removed…

Your presence brings me peace,

makes feel safe...

like I'm home...
I don't know if I'm ready to move from you yet

But what choice do I have?

I told you to let me go,
I forced you to set me free,
now all I wanna do is pull you back to me,
for us to be free... us together

The others never compare,
you're in mind while they attempt to be something for me...
it's never enough,
but enough is enough,
why would you want me after it all
after all the pain
the confusion
frustration and anger...
I gave you no other choice,
now I have no other choice
I set myself up to live with out you,
and I'm hating it now.

I'm not perfect
I'll never be
but if only you'd take the time to look at me one last time,
if only...

Trust

An one word ideal that holds the weight of the world
That forms between laughters, tears, small talk, and late nights...

Trust

Without one realizing it becomes a bond,
a bond that seems near impossible to break--
impossible to live without out...