7th grade
Scared to leave the security my mother offers me
The only sure thing in my life
My back jean pocket, your almost unrecognizable smiling face stays folded up day after day …
Moves to the inside of my pillow case each night as I pray for all this to be a nightmare
I just wanted to imagine you still had my back
That you were still the one tucking me into bed each night
Caring I made it to bed each night
Looking out for my best interests
Knowing I would never have to search for the love and attention a young girl needed in any unworthy place because I was your, Angel Princess
Drugs
The bottle
Your new family,
residents of my childhood home
Your plastic surgery
I don't know you...
The life you missed enough to forget the new one you had created
“What’s a father?” they ask you…
Another sip eases the pain of your own confusion and loss of self
My eyes swollen from tears
Yells
Nights of tossing and turning
As close to my mother in bed as I could be
My new story and song in your absence
In the dark of uncertainty and dread that bed time brought
The memories…
Never knew when or if I’d see your face…no matter how much I hated you I could never lose my daddy’s girl love
That pain is always present,
Depending on how far back I can bury it on a day to day basis
Depends on whether I feel hope or hopeless
I think of you on nights like this
When a father’s love,
Hug,
Or song is just what I need
To know I deserved the love from the man I loved
No matter what betrayal may have took place
To know that he didn’t deserve me
To be reassured there’s another,
That I’m beautiful
When I stop and think about it, it’s worse
When I hear others comments on the situation I feel shame
your shame
the shame your buzz doesn't allow you to feel
The shame and pain I must take on for you,
your addictions "save" you
So caught up in the whirlwind of life
The uncertainty of what each day will bring,
What phone call might come that day…
Maybe you’ll be a surprise guest?
But my luck has never been that great…
Guess I’ll go through another day and night,
Maybe week or month,
not sure if you’re alive or dead
Safe or on the streets
Warm or Cold
Hungry or High
Never do I want a pity party
Never do I want to have to answer the question of how you are
I don’t know
Not good?
I’ve lost you
You lost me
Never would I have dreamed of these years we have suffered through
As the tears form,
The same damn tears that are always waiting for their cue
I want to scream…
I’ve been holding in this scream for so long now…
too long
My mind races…non stop
YOU
Are the reason
Drained,
My faith is draining again
I see it my eyes,
in my presence and I feel it in my heart...
I feel it in the returning thoughts who came for revenge
You’re worse then trying to survive after love,
letting go of a partner
You’re worse then finding out your “bestfriends” are only bitches in disguise
They are scum
Their drama is amusement to me
But you
My father
My story time reader,
Song singer
Name giver
Reason I’m alive
Father
I can’t let go
I can’t just forget no matter the amount of “it’s all you can do” that go in one ear and out the other
Lost
Scared
Broken
Those three feelings are all I’m sure of
All I’m sure of that is me, right now
That’s me and my reality
The verse, the words inked into my skin for the world to see
They’re for you
They’re screaming for you
I’d give anything for you
Forever
No matter what
Your words
Your vision
Your inside beauty
The beauty
The heart
The Father you used to be
Forever inked
for everyone to see
To the outside, they're simply some lines from a song, memories of their younger years
To me its your heart...
Your heart on my sleeve
Forever a part of me
You
