destructive destruction

I never imagined me like this

Life with these events

I pictured a whole other world

Day after day

A new curveball

Another bullet to dodge

Positivity doesn’t get me far

It’s as if I get punished for feeling relief

For sleeping at night

For staying sober

All I feel is god’s hand on my head pushing me down

Down into any demeaning

Hurtful

Low place possible

Any low place my mind will wander too…

And my mind’s been back and forth to the edge more times then I can count

No trust

Phony smiles

And “doing goods”

If I move forward even one step

I get moved 5 back from whoever is rolling my dice

I want to breathe…again

To let go

But it seems impossible

I’m broken

I hurt

My room is dark for a reason

There are heavy black shades so when I sleep through what I should be doing,

I can lie to myself that it’s still night time,

That it’s not unusual and sick to still be in bed

If I could stay locked up day after day I would

Anxiety just oozes out

My breathe shortens

My heart races

Facing new days scare

Something else happens

Another tear is shed

Bottle finished

Curve ball thrown just fast enough for me strike out again

To be sent back to the dug out

No moving forward,

Definitely no homeruns

No winning

Dark thoughts of my teenage past seep back in more then I’ll ever admit

In the mirror I can see my 12 year old self,

Deep back in my eyes I see her

I hurt for her

I feel ashamed

Going back on so many promises I made to her then

Waking up from blackouts…

Blurred nights…

To the guys leaving our bed at 3 am

She shakes her head at me

She hurts for me too

The mirror is the worst

I hurt myself more then anyone else has

Or could

No moving forward

Definitely no homeruns…

I don’t allow myself to win

All that I’ve faced

Seen

Heard

Felt

Wrote

Drank

Smoked

Sucked

Done

I don’t deserve better

Destructive is what I’ve become

Destruction is what is left

All that’s left

Can’t you see why it’s hard to move forward

Hit a homerun

To win…

Writing these truths

Truths that I have never admitted

I’m at a loss

Screaming inside

Gotta end the honesty now,

To maybe win…