Fuck it

I wanted an image
I changed,
opened up and took risks
Doing things I hadn't
and never sure I would

My image is what I imagined now

Taking shots,
pounding them back

Sarcasm and promiscuous

They love it

Is it just growing up?

I have fun...
or have I given up the little girl still in me?

Being burned over and over...
 you learn how to put out the fire before it starts

To play the game...to win before they even
knew a game was starting
Before they had a chance to set up the play

Let down the wall,
and each time it's an "I told you so"

I do what I do
Act this way
Say these things

I say fuck it and put that look on my face...
then everyone knows I'm not trippin

I've gotten so good at my cover that
it's what people know me for
Laughing while explaining the pain,
drinking through the tears

Fuck it

Trying to control all the insanity within
me that tried to take me over
with the tears and
days I can't face full of
the anger I swallow down

My attitude is my control,
the only control I've had in these situations

The race of my heart,
steals my breath
and puts me in the dark

Comfort Zone

The impossible,
unfolding

Hurts to see,
never thought that it would be

Have the faith
support

So badly I want to,
but past has taught me to
stand back
that having my guard up may be
what's best...

Can he blame me?

Or am I hurting myself
Should I enjoy what's here now,
since no one knows how long it will be this way

Feel like I'm in a movie,
as someone is scripting the "happy ending"

It's too much
too real
too soon

I don't know...

The only life I know is without him,
is being angry and torn apart

If he's attempting to get well...
Should I too?

Depression
Anxiety

I know I have fears and pain I need to confront

Been so close, but living in this fog
has become a comfort zone

The only comfort zone I've ever known

I know myself here
how to "survive" whatever that means today, in this moment

I feel entitled to this comfort,
to something
that in a twisted way this mess has become a security

Security--finally feel like I'm not losing myself,
my mind

Everyone deserves comfort and security
Shit has just made it so, this zone is mine.