Snow...Freeze Me

The snow falls down,

Something rare for our hometown

I’m loving it’s timing

The symbol it has for me

Freezing over the pain,

The “funk” I hadn’t been able to shake off

Melting away how heated I have felt,

The burn deep down

It’s comfort

And peace…

Not sure what it means for me, but I’m smiling…

Hoping for things to look up from here…

Hoping for others to see the real me,

To appreciate,

The snow

The cold

The ice

So delicate,

Fragile….

Just like a new beginning,

Don’t rush

Take it slow

Enjoy the beauty of change,

The beauty of starting fresh…

One day at a time

Just live

Be the best you can,

Be what you want others to see

I want you to see me

For me

Not for the past,

Nor for the life I’m caught in

The me that expresses through these words,

These words of desperation,

My last attempt on this page…

I want to runaway, but the snow, the slow pace today slows me down, rewinds for me

reminds me to not wish for what I’m not ready for

not to fast forward through my favorite part

Be careful

All that came with freedom from you,

Was more thoughts about you,

Was being held back even more by you… but in the way I should’ve yearned for from the start…

I’m young,

I was hurt,

Scared…

Fear should be a challenge to keep going,

Not an excuse to give up

I’m sorry for not knowing soon enough

This snow

The blanket covering my pain, freezing my sadness…

I’m ready now….

I hope you are too…

Believe me

Believe IN me…

See me

If only

I’ve made you cry

Pour your heart out into a soulless telephone

I’ve caused you to pay the price for my past,

For my scars you did not cause

Putting up with so much, for days

Weeks

Months

Years…

“You don’t know what you have till, it’s gone…”

You feel so far now,

There’s no one to blame but myself

Blaming myself for losing you…

True, you caused tears to be shed,

And my heart to break… but what choice did I leave you?

I placed a fear in you

My holding back became contagious,

No longer were you the free spirit I feel in love with

Feeling as if I damaged you,

All I want is to heal you

I wanna prove you are everything to me

With the sun,

Dusk,

All the way to nightfall

My heart yearns for your voice,

Touch…

I wanna lay my head on your chest,

Hear your heartbeat, have it be my lullaby once again

No regrets…

I try not to but it’s hard when it comes to you

It takes two—I know

But so much I could have done to improve my part

To open my heart, so you would feel safe to do the same

In danger

In happiness

In sadness

I want to share it all with you,

But no longer do I have that privilege

I robbed it from myself, constantly pushing away those that want to love

“Let someone care for you…”

I’m learning, but I guess I know how too late…

At least too late for you, for you and me, for us…

It’s unfair of me to play this game of tug a war with you

Feeling like I gotta let you go, but my heart hurts… feels like a punch to my chest… it”s telling me not to give up.. not yet..

But what choice do I have?

Too late for you, for you and me, for us…

I’m the one to blame this time…

I know now for next time

But next time isn’t you…

 forever the others will be trying to replace you,

To cover your name that’s covering my heart…

Tatted in ink, tatted so deep, I don’t want to go through the pain of having that covered,

Or removed…

Your presence brings me peace,

makes feel safe...

like I'm home...
I don't know if I'm ready to move from you yet

But what choice do I have?

I told you to let me go,
I forced you to set me free,
now all I wanna do is pull you back to me,
for us to be free... us together

The others never compare,
you're in mind while they attempt to be something for me...
it's never enough,
but enough is enough,
why would you want me after it all
after all the pain
the confusion
frustration and anger...
I gave you no other choice,
now I have no other choice
I set myself up to live with out you,
and I'm hating it now.

I'm not perfect
I'll never be
but if only you'd take the time to look at me one last time,
if only...

Trust

An one word ideal that holds the weight of the world
That forms between laughters, tears, small talk, and late nights...

Trust

Without one realizing it becomes a bond,
a bond that seems near impossible to break--
impossible to live without out...

Finally

I'm done

And I don't think there is a more mature way of saying it

A promise in the dark
A text to ease the pain

It's not needed,
and neither are you

Too much pain
Too much I have overcame

Gave you my all
My guard came down

It wasn't enough for you
Never showing me the words you could say through moving your fingers on a keypad,
reaching me through the screen--never face to face

Remembering the first moments,
our past that grows further and further from our reach
The first moments where, before ever knowing you,
I knew
I knew we would fall,
still couldn't explain what it was
But I knew,
and what do ya know?
I was right,
you got me--
you had it--
you used it.

No more back and forth
No more
What I deserve is a full heart holding me at night,
not a heart that is unsure,
not that wrong head choosing the direction of my joy or despair

Feeling like such a fool,
but it won't last long

I know how to bounce back

I'm back,
and ready for the next to be real
to be right
to show fight
to prove to me, I'm who they really want to be with at night

I'm the girl, and they're the guy...

There are no exceptions
no secret doubts
The real deal

As it screams through my speakers,
and as I vibe with the bass--"On to the next one"

Goodbye to you, finally.

The beginning of the end

I remember the tears I cried at such a young age,
in my room of pale pink walls
stuffed animals
and all a little girl could dream of

We had it all

We had what I long for now
What I attempt to not be envying my friends of

We had comfort
security
love

Nothings perfect,
but at that time...
I believed we were
Even on those nights that I cried to sleep
or that I ran from the kitchen, down the stairs to
"daddy's get away" to make sure you guys were OK
to stop the fighting...

That's all I wanted

No more fighting

Holding him
Holding her

Daddy's little girl
Mommy's sweet angel

The day it all came crashing down is one that replays in my mind

So long ago, yet I could still feel tension
The tears swell behind my eyes as if I was still that 10 year old girl
sitting criss cross apple sauce near the fireplace, with the smell of home cooked meals,
the security of mommy and daddy in the next room,
the joy of Sunday mornings all 5 of us together...
It was all slowly fading
I felt it
I knew it

Tension turned to excitement
She turned the permanent sadness
into a happy get away...
on the outside anyway

Inside I followed her plan,
although I knew this was it

I had already stopped recognizing
and feeling the change

It caught us,
it was like a cancer

The 5 of us,
had no more time to live

Let our new life begin

Truth

I was never one to crave attention,
or the spotlight

Before my hell on earth begain I blended in quite well
My innocence and kind heart, did not bring suspection
or in depth questions

Family portraits represented anything but the truth,
however friends and family believed every
Christmas eve type dress,
Strawberry blonde combover, and shirt and tye

To the outside nothing was wrong,
The so called, "normal," fights did not act
as lullabies or goodnight stories as the years went on...

Change

They say change is inevitable,
Change = Life

Until the time comes for change in your life,
you don't feel the pain
or sort through the confusion of
emotions when nothing is as it was...

Familiar faces begin to blend in with the strangers,
Fave pictures of late nights,
slow dances, girl nights,
fun and love
are slowly washed from the walls, and replaced in the frames

Replaced with the hopes and dreams
Replaced with the new chapters
New style
New "Me"

"Things change, and that's just the way it is..."

Does it have to be?

Do we just give up?

Does change have the final say?