Finally

I'm done

And I don't think there is a more mature way of saying it

A promise in the dark
A text to ease the pain

It's not needed,
and neither are you

Too much pain
Too much I have overcame

Gave you my all
My guard came down

It wasn't enough for you
Never showing me the words you could say through moving your fingers on a keypad,
reaching me through the screen--never face to face

Remembering the first moments,
our past that grows further and further from our reach
The first moments where, before ever knowing you,
I knew
I knew we would fall,
still couldn't explain what it was
But I knew,
and what do ya know?
I was right,
you got me--
you had it--
you used it.

No more back and forth
No more
What I deserve is a full heart holding me at night,
not a heart that is unsure,
not that wrong head choosing the direction of my joy or despair

Feeling like such a fool,
but it won't last long

I know how to bounce back

I'm back,
and ready for the next to be real
to be right
to show fight
to prove to me, I'm who they really want to be with at night

I'm the girl, and they're the guy...

There are no exceptions
no secret doubts
The real deal

As it screams through my speakers,
and as I vibe with the bass--"On to the next one"

Goodbye to you, finally.

The beginning of the end

I remember the tears I cried at such a young age,
in my room of pale pink walls
stuffed animals
and all a little girl could dream of

We had it all

We had what I long for now
What I attempt to not be envying my friends of

We had comfort
security
love

Nothings perfect,
but at that time...
I believed we were
Even on those nights that I cried to sleep
or that I ran from the kitchen, down the stairs to
"daddy's get away" to make sure you guys were OK
to stop the fighting...

That's all I wanted

No more fighting

Holding him
Holding her

Daddy's little girl
Mommy's sweet angel

The day it all came crashing down is one that replays in my mind

So long ago, yet I could still feel tension
The tears swell behind my eyes as if I was still that 10 year old girl
sitting criss cross apple sauce near the fireplace, with the smell of home cooked meals,
the security of mommy and daddy in the next room,
the joy of Sunday mornings all 5 of us together...
It was all slowly fading
I felt it
I knew it

Tension turned to excitement
She turned the permanent sadness
into a happy get away...
on the outside anyway

Inside I followed her plan,
although I knew this was it

I had already stopped recognizing
and feeling the change

It caught us,
it was like a cancer

The 5 of us,
had no more time to live

Let our new life begin

Truth

I was never one to crave attention,
or the spotlight

Before my hell on earth begain I blended in quite well
My innocence and kind heart, did not bring suspection
or in depth questions

Family portraits represented anything but the truth,
however friends and family believed every
Christmas eve type dress,
Strawberry blonde combover, and shirt and tye

To the outside nothing was wrong,
The so called, "normal," fights did not act
as lullabies or goodnight stories as the years went on...

Change

They say change is inevitable,
Change = Life

Until the time comes for change in your life,
you don't feel the pain
or sort through the confusion of
emotions when nothing is as it was...

Familiar faces begin to blend in with the strangers,
Fave pictures of late nights,
slow dances, girl nights,
fun and love
are slowly washed from the walls, and replaced in the frames

Replaced with the hopes and dreams
Replaced with the new chapters
New style
New "Me"

"Things change, and that's just the way it is..."

Does it have to be?

Do we just give up?

Does change have the final say?

You

Middle school is when we first met
Common jokes about my name are
where it began
Two years later we're sitting at the same desks,
back at the same school again

Memories of my curiosity about you
rush back to my mind
Never speaking while we roamed the same halls,
only the occasional "hey's" and silly grins
were all that passed between us

In the midst of one another's admiration
was when our bond began

The rush of curiosity remained and
flourished our conversations

Soon the number 3 went down to 2...
Just us
No  fancy dinner or ordinary movie
was ever needed
The comfort of each other's company was
satisfying and could keep my attention for hours

Late nights turned to early mornings,
side by side in our neighborhood we both called home

Music
Laughter
Sarcasm
Touch here
Tough there
Flirtatious conversation--
Serious conversation...

Nothing was off limits

There was no fear

Finally the question of what this meant was answered...
You moved closer,
assuring me you knew what you were doing

Our lips touched,
my heart raced,
my excitement rose-
your kiss is at the top of my list to this day

You were everything I wanted,
what I needed,
yet I was too afraid

I pushed you away...

Today you remain in my life,
and me in yours

Best friends
Love
and "what if"
describes us

Best friends because of our love
because that's as close as we can be,
without crossing our "limits"

The limits and love create our "what ifs"
Our "what ifs" I know exist,
when you still speak of our intimate times

So many words I know I could say
But no way is it far to do today

I keep my faith
and I value our friendship more then words could
ever explain.

Forever I will love you
Forever I will have you in my life,
because there's no doubt that you feel the same

These lips

My lips have touched so many,
yet your kiss is one I can
never forget

The passion and care
engulfed the room
and "our first kiss right here"
turns to fireworks...
I feel the spark,
a spark I still can't form into words

Yes I was hesitant,
I didn't want to end up well...
here,
writing this about how you left me,
how your lips.
your words,
your false hope,
left like all the others

My lips,
chapped with loneliness,
chapped with fear

My lips,
bleeding from too many goodbyes...

Let the games begin!

Waking up with just enough time too look fine,
without looking like I really tried...
After all,
natural beauty and laughter is all the craze

Stay true to you and your heart will be amazed

Catching an eye,
flashing a smile,
allowing a laugh,
making time to hang...

I'd be wanted,
appreciated,
maybe even adored

It became a routine,
better yet a game I knew I would always win
thinking time after time, he wouldn't be the same

Let the games begin!

I do what I feel I should,
what I feel I need to prove myself

Your arms wrapped around me,
your bare chest against mine,
our deep breaths,
racing hearts,
different intentions,
separate hopes

Intensity
Shame
Gain

All this enclosed in this dark room,
in a bed that has held many hopeful hearts before my own

Laying in the filth of your repeated words,
repeated lies
Somehow I remain thinking I'll be the one that gets to stay

I do what I know is wanted,
what's expected,
searching for that release, that comfort
his hands, the substitutes for what I'm lacking,
grazing my lands of womanhood
certain steps increasing my heart rate--turning up the heat

Your limbs pressure the right spots,
and gracefully break through the loneliness that is tight and too painful for me to keep living through

My excitement excites you
and while not losing it all we bond to the fullest,
the fullest we can without getting lost in the "one night," and the temptation of the darkness...

I give this,
I give this each time

Giving and giving then waiting

Waiting

Hoping

Each new boy
new lips
same lines
same end

it all leaves me empty

Empty, as I lose a bit of myself with each bit of hope lost
with each "good-bye" exchanged
with each new pair or eyes and whispers passing that assume they got me figured out,
thanks to the new set of rumors that start to ensure an ego is never bruised...

Empty