never say never

AT THE END OF IT ALL YOU'RE ALONE

YOU GOTTA BE ABLE TO LOOK YOURSELF IN THE EYE

IN THE MIRROR

AND BE OK

I'M NOT OK

SOLD MYSELF IN MORE WAYS THEN ONE

HA FUNNY

SOMEHOW THIS ALL ENDED UP IN CAPS

GUESS THAT SHOWS HOW I'M YELLING INSIDE

WHILE INSIDE THIS CAVE I CALL A ROOM

THAT'S REALLY A HIDE OUT

SILENT

CAN'T WAKE OTHERS

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS

EVERYONE TELLING ME I'LL GET THROUGH THIS

YEAH SURE, THIS WILL PASS

YEAH SURE, I'LL ADMIT MY SINS

YET AGAIN

YEA SURE, LIFE WILL GO ON

HONESTLY THOUGH

WITHIN MY HEART

I NEVER KNOW IF I BELIEVE IT

NOR IF I WANT TO

I AM MY WORST ENEMY

THIS WAS ACCEPTED LONG AGO

LONG AGO WHEN I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE THIS GIRL

THIS WOMEN

THIS LOST SOUL

THIS DEPRESSED

THIS WILLING TO HURT...

my motivation, pride, faith, and breath is all fading again

i hate reality

i hate facing whats real

i hate doing what i need to do

because i feel that i've already failed

feeling as though it's worth nothing at all

my battle has grown

my wars within myself are getting worse

the better me losing

feeling weak

out of armor and weapons to fight back

where to go from here?

sinning with what i know heals the wounds for a while

a while just long enough, just long enough to fade way

fade away and lose myself 

my only break

I'ma bring the pain

try my best to do what's right

the devil and the anger over power too many times

can't help but to do what i know is wrong but what feels good

good to finally be the one to get revenge

to cause pain

coming out of my element

"kill them with kindness"

is it worth it that it's killing me more?

fuck that

gonna put me first

number one

me myself and i

every other out look has got me no where

how else do i put it?

can't play the fool no more

i may not see myself worthy of much

but outsmarting the bitch, i know i deserve at least that

let the music play

they say i'll be okay

i wish i believed those words

words like strength and beauty

that i can do this

cause right now i feel so weak

tears are fighting me

i don't want another daylight hidden away

nothing else seems right 

waiting for tonight

needing to get past the midnight hour

with the showers of self medication

the only time i don't feel

the time when breathing becomes easier and harder at the same time

fun, lifted to another reality

and another day i can say i made it,

no victory by any means, but another sunrise counts for something

to some

to some my outside image masks this pain

back in the day that was my goal

tuesday 1 life 0

ha 

if only i had thought this through

successfully creating my character that doesn't give a fuck

it's easier on the front, but deep down it only fuels the fire

the fire to my soul that burns deeper 

burning 
adding to the self inflicted wounds that turn to scars 
telling my story

scars hidden away, along with the reasons why i am the way i am

how that successful happy optimistic girl turned into a dark broken bitch behind the black curtains

engulfed in the physical mess, underneath the warmth i can disappear into

lifted again, thinking too much

let the music blast into my ears

words inspiring these words

another lost dreamer trying to shine the hope back in 

lifted

inspiration

breathing slowing down, closing down

made it past the midnight hour,

done with the showers

words inspring these words

let the music play...

The innocence of sleep

The innocence of sleep is infuritating
All 5 souls, aching in different ways,
find some peace as we beat the struggles out of our minds,
slowly drifting off

Am I the only one thinking,
could this be the last time?

Shaking with anxiety,
wanting to run
cry
and curse the night with a glass that will act
as my lullaby

Inhale
Exhale

Tonight we all lay safe with dry pillows...
Tonight is a victory

The sun brings the pain once more,
reality awakens us all

With a stretch and a yawn,
everyone wishes for the night sky,
to feel the innocence of sleep...

Good morning, let the fight continue
Demons only allow rest for so long

Haven't wrote new material in a while that I feel like sharing, but I need to get back into it.
Writing is where my heart lies, and reading back on old posts it makes me cry knowing these emotions are within me-- but I'm glad I am able to get them out in a way that is healthy--through the poems.

I had a call today from a family member who has read some of my writings and thinks this is something I am good at and should continue. I don't need the pat on the back, but knowing that others have read and enjoyed my words is inspiring. Plus, writing is my outlet when things are dark and, a lot like praying, I need to remember to do it when I see the light too. Not just when the cloud is over my head.

Love,
Tues

Bring it

power within burns through all that attempts to stand in the way
in the way of my happiness
my new found strength

what broke me
changed me
....and i like it

street smart
cold
sarcastic
strong
Weapons of defense I earned

Bring it

I like the me the bullshit has created

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"


I can bench more then you could even imagine

Fuck it

I wanted an image
I changed,
opened up and took risks
Doing things I hadn't
and never sure I would

My image is what I imagined now

Taking shots,
pounding them back

Sarcasm and promiscuous

They love it

Is it just growing up?

I have fun...
or have I given up the little girl still in me?

Being burned over and over...
 you learn how to put out the fire before it starts

To play the game...to win before they even
knew a game was starting
Before they had a chance to set up the play

Let down the wall,
and each time it's an "I told you so"

I do what I do
Act this way
Say these things

I say fuck it and put that look on my face...
then everyone knows I'm not trippin

I've gotten so good at my cover that
it's what people know me for
Laughing while explaining the pain,
drinking through the tears

Fuck it

Trying to control all the insanity within
me that tried to take me over
with the tears and
days I can't face full of
the anger I swallow down

My attitude is my control,
the only control I've had in these situations

The race of my heart,
steals my breath
and puts me in the dark