Fuck it

I wanted an image
I changed,
opened up and took risks
Doing things I hadn't
and never sure I would

My image is what I imagined now

Taking shots,
pounding them back

Sarcasm and promiscuous

They love it

Is it just growing up?

I have fun...
or have I given up the little girl still in me?

Being burned over and over...
 you learn how to put out the fire before it starts

To play the game...to win before they even
knew a game was starting
Before they had a chance to set up the play

Let down the wall,
and each time it's an "I told you so"

I do what I do
Act this way
Say these things

I say fuck it and put that look on my face...
then everyone knows I'm not trippin

I've gotten so good at my cover that
it's what people know me for
Laughing while explaining the pain,
drinking through the tears

Fuck it

Trying to control all the insanity within
me that tried to take me over
with the tears and
days I can't face full of
the anger I swallow down

My attitude is my control,
the only control I've had in these situations

The race of my heart,
steals my breath
and puts me in the dark

Comfort Zone

The impossible,
unfolding

Hurts to see,
never thought that it would be

Have the faith
support

So badly I want to,
but past has taught me to
stand back
that having my guard up may be
what's best...

Can he blame me?

Or am I hurting myself
Should I enjoy what's here now,
since no one knows how long it will be this way

Feel like I'm in a movie,
as someone is scripting the "happy ending"

It's too much
too real
too soon

I don't know...

The only life I know is without him,
is being angry and torn apart

If he's attempting to get well...
Should I too?

Depression
Anxiety

I know I have fears and pain I need to confront

Been so close, but living in this fog
has become a comfort zone

The only comfort zone I've ever known

I know myself here
how to "survive" whatever that means today, in this moment

I feel entitled to this comfort,
to something
that in a twisted way this mess has become a security

Security--finally feel like I'm not losing myself,
my mind

Everyone deserves comfort and security
Shit has just made it so, this zone is mine.

destructive destruction

I never imagined me like this

Life with these events

I pictured a whole other world

Day after day

A new curveball

Another bullet to dodge

Positivity doesn’t get me far

It’s as if I get punished for feeling relief

For sleeping at night

For staying sober

All I feel is god’s hand on my head pushing me down

Down into any demeaning

Hurtful

Low place possible

Any low place my mind will wander too…

And my mind’s been back and forth to the edge more times then I can count

No trust

Phony smiles

And “doing goods”

If I move forward even one step

I get moved 5 back from whoever is rolling my dice

I want to breathe…again

To let go

But it seems impossible

I’m broken

I hurt

My room is dark for a reason

There are heavy black shades so when I sleep through what I should be doing,

I can lie to myself that it’s still night time,

That it’s not unusual and sick to still be in bed

If I could stay locked up day after day I would

Anxiety just oozes out

My breathe shortens

My heart races

Facing new days scare

Something else happens

Another tear is shed

Bottle finished

Curve ball thrown just fast enough for me strike out again

To be sent back to the dug out

No moving forward,

Definitely no homeruns

No winning

Dark thoughts of my teenage past seep back in more then I’ll ever admit

In the mirror I can see my 12 year old self,

Deep back in my eyes I see her

I hurt for her

I feel ashamed

Going back on so many promises I made to her then

Waking up from blackouts…

Blurred nights…

To the guys leaving our bed at 3 am

She shakes her head at me

She hurts for me too

The mirror is the worst

I hurt myself more then anyone else has

Or could

No moving forward

Definitely no homeruns…

I don’t allow myself to win

All that I’ve faced

Seen

Heard

Felt

Wrote

Drank

Smoked

Sucked

Done

I don’t deserve better

Destructive is what I’ve become

Destruction is what is left

All that’s left

Can’t you see why it’s hard to move forward

Hit a homerun

To win…

Writing these truths

Truths that I have never admitted

I’m at a loss

Screaming inside

Gotta end the honesty now,

To maybe win…

Burglarly Investigation

You burglarize my mind

Soul

Heart

Locked up

What should be for life

Kept from accepting the offers the devil on your shoulder brings to you

Your demons have won

The metal bars are your last hope,

your chance at a real life

The Law thinks they've locked you up for stealing,

they have no idea the burglary you've committed

to the extent

the amount of happiness,

the hope and "breathing easy days" you robbed

the father you took from three innocent children

the lover,husband, and mate of a woman who did nothing but work to save you day after day

until she needed you and you took advantage of the freedom only to abandon all that fought for you

you've never fought for anyone a day in your life

selfishness makes you a criminal

you're a veteran of burglary
 10 years strong

somethings never change,

and I'm not holding my breath on you

I can live with that

The attention you showed

The love you spoke of

And your actions in the beginning were everything I thought was right…

I made you into my Mr. Right

True colors come out in time

The back and forth,

Game of tug of war

Your touch

Smile

Laugh… oh that goofy laugh

But most of all I miss your friendship

The texts late at night showing the real care we had for one another

I miss the old you…

I’m sure you miss the old me…

Five years…people change

We’ve grown and unfortunately more apart then together…

Mr. Right

You were my mr.right to start with

To help me grow

And see where my strengths and weaknesses are

I hope I helped you,

As much as you helped me

We aren’t right,

We tried because we were all we knew…

Fear of new

Fear of better

Fear of worse…

But now we’ve both taken the jump

Officially done,

Officially always having each others backs…

I can live with that

You were Mr. Right in being honest

In admitting we weren’t going to be happy together, but that happiness apart is wanted from and for both of us

I can live with that

I can live with you in my life, but not being my entire life

It’s taken time to admit,

It will take more time to officially adjust but I’m glad it’s here

I’m glad there’s that understanding

I’m glad I can say you will always be a best friend,

I will always care and have love for you…

A bond like that, hard to break

You are Mr. Right for feeling the same way,

For showing maturity and calling me your friend too,

For letting me know you will always be there for me…

I can live with that

I don’t feel the same

Neither do you

You were Mr. Right for being the first to admit it

I can live with that

Go find your Mrs. Right for all the right reasons,

Let me go

Out of our comfort zones we go…

I can live with that 

Battling between my heart and mind
Knowing what’s right and not ok

Heart yearning for that attention and fulfillment my mind knows is make believe

My world ain’t no fairytale

My true love is not my prince charming…

Love was never enough and still not proving to be

“Holding back your feelings will save yourself from others, but never from yourself”

Will saying how I feel for the sixth year in row, the millionth time… will it make a difference?

Will taking the first step for friendship look how I want it too…

Too many risks,
Risks I’ve taken before on the same one
For the same reason
For this reoccurring feeling deep inside

Tears will just have to do as my outlet
Words can’t seem to ever express,
Nor fix what my mind and heart working together are able to imagine

The Scream

7th grade
Scared to leave the security my mother offers me
The only sure thing in my life
My back jean pocket, your almost unrecognizable smiling face stays folded up day after day …
Moves to the inside of my pillow case each night as I pray for all this to be a nightmare

I just wanted to imagine you still had my back
That you were still the one tucking me into bed each night
Caring I made it to bed each night
Looking out for my best interests
Knowing I would never have to search for the love and attention a young girl needed in any unworthy place because I was your, Angel Princess


Drugs
The bottle
Your new family,
residents of my childhood home

Your plastic surgery
I don't know you...

The life you missed enough to forget the new one you had created
“What’s a father?” they ask you…
Another sip eases the pain of your own confusion and loss of self


My eyes swollen from tears
Yells
Nights of tossing and turning
As close to my mother in bed as I could be

My new story and song in your absence
In the dark of uncertainty and dread that bed time brought

The memories…

Never knew when or if I’d see your face…no matter how much I hated you I could never lose my daddy’s girl love

That pain is always present,
Depending on how far back I can bury it on a day to day basis
Depends on whether I feel hope or hopeless

I think of you on nights like this
When a father’s love,
Hug,
Or song is just what I need
To know I deserved the love from the man I loved
No matter what betrayal may have took place

To know that he didn’t deserve me
To be reassured there’s another,
That I’m beautiful

When I stop and think about it, it’s worse
When I hear others comments on the situation I feel shame

your shame

the shame your buzz doesn't allow you to feel

The shame and pain I must take on for you,
your addictions "save" you

So caught up in the whirlwind of life
The uncertainty of what each day will bring,
What phone call might come that day…
Maybe you’ll be a surprise guest?
But my luck has never been that great…
Guess I’ll go through another day and night,
Maybe week or month,
not sure if you’re alive or dead
Safe or on the streets
Warm or Cold
Hungry or High

Never do I want a pity party
Never do I want to have to answer the question of how you are
I don’t know
Not good?
 I’ve lost you
You lost me
Never would I have dreamed of these years we have suffered through

As the tears form,
The same damn tears that are always waiting for their cue
I want to scream…

I’ve been holding in this scream for so long now…
too long

My mind races…non stop
YOU
Are the reason
Drained,
My faith is draining again
I see it my eyes,
in my presence and I feel it in my heart...
I feel it in the returning thoughts who came for revenge
You’re worse then trying to survive after love,
letting go of a partner
You’re worse then finding out your “bestfriends” are only bitches in disguise
They are scum
Their drama is amusement to me
But you
My father
My story time reader,
Song singer
Name giver
Reason I’m alive
Father
I can’t let go
I can’t just forget no matter the amount of “it’s all you can do”  that go in one ear and out the other

Lost
Scared
Broken

Those three feelings are all I’m sure of
All I’m sure of that is me, right now

That’s me and my reality

The verse, the words inked into my skin for the world to see
They’re for you
They’re screaming for you
I’d give anything for you

Forever
No matter what
Your words
Your vision
Your inside beauty

The beauty
The heart
The Father you used to be

Forever inked
for everyone to see
To the outside, they're simply some lines from a song, memories of their younger years
To me its your heart...
Your heart on my sleeve


Forever a part of me

You