Finally

I'm done

And I don't think there is a more mature way of saying it

A promise in the dark
A text to ease the pain

It's not needed,
and neither are you

Too much pain
Too much I have overcame

Gave you my all
My guard came down

It wasn't enough for you
Never showing me the words you could say through moving your fingers on a keypad,
reaching me through the screen--never face to face

Remembering the first moments,
our past that grows further and further from our reach
The first moments where, before ever knowing you,
I knew
I knew we would fall,
still couldn't explain what it was
But I knew,
and what do ya know?
I was right,
you got me--
you had it--
you used it.

No more back and forth
No more
What I deserve is a full heart holding me at night,
not a heart that is unsure,
not that wrong head choosing the direction of my joy or despair

Feeling like such a fool,
but it won't last long

I know how to bounce back

I'm back,
and ready for the next to be real
to be right
to show fight
to prove to me, I'm who they really want to be with at night

I'm the girl, and they're the guy...

There are no exceptions
no secret doubts
The real deal

As it screams through my speakers,
and as I vibe with the bass--"On to the next one"

Goodbye to you, finally.

The beginning of the end

I remember the tears I cried at such a young age,
in my room of pale pink walls
stuffed animals
and all a little girl could dream of

We had it all

We had what I long for now
What I attempt to not be envying my friends of

We had comfort
security
love

Nothings perfect,
but at that time...
I believed we were
Even on those nights that I cried to sleep
or that I ran from the kitchen, down the stairs to
"daddy's get away" to make sure you guys were OK
to stop the fighting...

That's all I wanted

No more fighting

Holding him
Holding her

Daddy's little girl
Mommy's sweet angel

The day it all came crashing down is one that replays in my mind

So long ago, yet I could still feel tension
The tears swell behind my eyes as if I was still that 10 year old girl
sitting criss cross apple sauce near the fireplace, with the smell of home cooked meals,
the security of mommy and daddy in the next room,
the joy of Sunday mornings all 5 of us together...
It was all slowly fading
I felt it
I knew it

Tension turned to excitement
She turned the permanent sadness
into a happy get away...
on the outside anyway

Inside I followed her plan,
although I knew this was it

I had already stopped recognizing
and feeling the change

It caught us,
it was like a cancer

The 5 of us,
had no more time to live

Let our new life begin

Truth

I was never one to crave attention,
or the spotlight

Before my hell on earth begain I blended in quite well
My innocence and kind heart, did not bring suspection
or in depth questions

Family portraits represented anything but the truth,
however friends and family believed every
Christmas eve type dress,
Strawberry blonde combover, and shirt and tye

To the outside nothing was wrong,
The so called, "normal," fights did not act
as lullabies or goodnight stories as the years went on...

Change

They say change is inevitable,
Change = Life

Until the time comes for change in your life,
you don't feel the pain
or sort through the confusion of
emotions when nothing is as it was...

Familiar faces begin to blend in with the strangers,
Fave pictures of late nights,
slow dances, girl nights,
fun and love
are slowly washed from the walls, and replaced in the frames

Replaced with the hopes and dreams
Replaced with the new chapters
New style
New "Me"

"Things change, and that's just the way it is..."

Does it have to be?

Do we just give up?

Does change have the final say?

You

Middle school is when we first met
Common jokes about my name are
where it began
Two years later we're sitting at the same desks,
back at the same school again

Memories of my curiosity about you
rush back to my mind
Never speaking while we roamed the same halls,
only the occasional "hey's" and silly grins
were all that passed between us

In the midst of one another's admiration
was when our bond began

The rush of curiosity remained and
flourished our conversations

Soon the number 3 went down to 2...
Just us
No  fancy dinner or ordinary movie
was ever needed
The comfort of each other's company was
satisfying and could keep my attention for hours

Late nights turned to early mornings,
side by side in our neighborhood we both called home

Music
Laughter
Sarcasm
Touch here
Tough there
Flirtatious conversation--
Serious conversation...

Nothing was off limits

There was no fear

Finally the question of what this meant was answered...
You moved closer,
assuring me you knew what you were doing

Our lips touched,
my heart raced,
my excitement rose-
your kiss is at the top of my list to this day

You were everything I wanted,
what I needed,
yet I was too afraid

I pushed you away...

Today you remain in my life,
and me in yours

Best friends
Love
and "what if"
describes us

Best friends because of our love
because that's as close as we can be,
without crossing our "limits"

The limits and love create our "what ifs"
Our "what ifs" I know exist,
when you still speak of our intimate times

So many words I know I could say
But no way is it far to do today

I keep my faith
and I value our friendship more then words could
ever explain.

Forever I will love you
Forever I will have you in my life,
because there's no doubt that you feel the same

These lips

My lips have touched so many,
yet your kiss is one I can
never forget

The passion and care
engulfed the room
and "our first kiss right here"
turns to fireworks...
I feel the spark,
a spark I still can't form into words

Yes I was hesitant,
I didn't want to end up well...
here,
writing this about how you left me,
how your lips.
your words,
your false hope,
left like all the others

My lips,
chapped with loneliness,
chapped with fear

My lips,
bleeding from too many goodbyes...

Let the games begin!

Waking up with just enough time too look fine,
without looking like I really tried...
After all,
natural beauty and laughter is all the craze

Stay true to you and your heart will be amazed

Catching an eye,
flashing a smile,
allowing a laugh,
making time to hang...

I'd be wanted,
appreciated,
maybe even adored

It became a routine,
better yet a game I knew I would always win
thinking time after time, he wouldn't be the same

Let the games begin!

I do what I feel I should,
what I feel I need to prove myself

Your arms wrapped around me,
your bare chest against mine,
our deep breaths,
racing hearts,
different intentions,
separate hopes

Intensity
Shame
Gain

All this enclosed in this dark room,
in a bed that has held many hopeful hearts before my own

Laying in the filth of your repeated words,
repeated lies
Somehow I remain thinking I'll be the one that gets to stay

I do what I know is wanted,
what's expected,
searching for that release, that comfort
his hands, the substitutes for what I'm lacking,
grazing my lands of womanhood
certain steps increasing my heart rate--turning up the heat

Your limbs pressure the right spots,
and gracefully break through the loneliness that is tight and too painful for me to keep living through

My excitement excites you
and while not losing it all we bond to the fullest,
the fullest we can without getting lost in the "one night," and the temptation of the darkness...

I give this,
I give this each time

Giving and giving then waiting

Waiting

Hoping

Each new boy
new lips
same lines
same end

it all leaves me empty

Empty, as I lose a bit of myself with each bit of hope lost
with each "good-bye" exchanged
with each new pair or eyes and whispers passing that assume they got me figured out,
thanks to the new set of rumors that start to ensure an ego is never bruised...

Empty

They found me

Life comes at us fast

we are told to take risks

to expect the unexpected

but when life throws those curve balls and we must..

well we must learn to accept the unexpected

even if we said to ourselves “that’ll never happen to me”

Thinkin we never had to worry

Meaning we were never prepared in the first place

Meaning our hearts are breaking

Meaning we are growing stronger

…Ironic

Ironic that I feel connected

Connected to the pain

All the time

Smile or not

Connected to the good

Connected to the bad

Still wearing my smile

Just keeping it pushin

Just gotta keep going

Then more life quotes fill my head

What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger

God doesn’t give us more then we can handle

No one promised it’d be easy, they just promised it’d be worth it

Worth

Who’s worthy of this gift of life

And what happens when we can no longer see the worth

Maybe in life

Or maybe worse, what if we can no longer see the worth in ourselves

What happens then?

Is that making us stronger too

Life has me confused

Just writing these words bouncing in my brain

These words that tear at my heartstrings

The words that bring these tears to my eyes…

The tears that are keeping me up at night

Looking behind me and seeing those who love me behind me every step I take

I breathe easier knowing they’re there

That even when I may lose sight of my worth, they never do

Even when the fear gets the best of me

Or these tears keep escaping no matter how hard I attempt to never let them hit the surface

They know

They don’t let me,  get me

That’s where I see the worth in life

When I see their faces

When I feel their embrace

When they can be real with me, to make me be real with myself

They found me and they keep me from losing myself, they keep my feet on the ground.

Keepin it real... lol

So, ok....I posted a few of my poems...very rough I know...Don't judge....

Even though I don't know who is reading them, or what reactions are it's a very intimidating process opening up your inner thoughts, fears, dreams, passions, etc. to others.

I'm enjoying this blogging world though... I see why it is so contagious/popular

Hope you guys are enjoying a little...I'm not perfect, and neither is my writing but I appreciate the opportunity to engage in my passion for writing again through this blog.

Thanks
Lots of love,
Tues

Keep your head up

The promise of "never agains,"
The lies reaking of alcohol and smoke
The heatbreak glazed over and bloodshot

It's too late for "never again"

It's too late to wash away the stench,
and bandages could not mend the damage that's been done...

As I vibe to the beat, finding sanctuary in the music flooding the room
"Keep your head up..." the lyrics remind me,
sending chills through my body, the goosebumps that are brought to the surface act as a relief...
They're saying the words I can't seem to speak

Trying to stay positive...

"Keep your head up..."

I would if I could get sleep at night,
if breathing the breaths I question in the day was easier,
if I could hold onto the dreams that only seem to bring hope at night,
but the fear of losing you shortens each breath while the memories of you haunt my dreams...

Hide and Seek

I've always hated being the girl who shed the most tears,
who seemed to be holding back the anger that swelled within

My past is full of hide and seek games,
me hiding how I truly felt in a pathetic attempt to see who cared enough to seek me out,
to find me...

All of this hiding and holding back just to blend in with the crowd,
with the smiles I will forever envy because they were always telling the truth.

Through the years the games and confusion are not extinct, but what scared me then, I've learned to handle now

I will never miss the constant fear I carried with me
The fear of the thoughts within my own head
The fear in my mother's tears
The fear in my brother's silence
The fear of feeling hopeless,
helpless, and
weak

I will never miss the tears,
the countless tears that could quench the thirst of millions
The tears that left a young girl with bloodshot eyes, and a burning red face of
despair,
confusion,
and exhaustion

Forever I will attempt to erase the memories,
the memories that have made me all that I am today...

My Last Goodbye

I see you
I see me
I see us
I feel passion and pain

We introduced new territory for one another,
yet neither one of us was ready to settle and claim it as our own

You see you
You see me
You see a game
You fear the pain and pursue the passion

The day we met
The nights I saw you before you truly saw me...

Nights in your arms, our love in between bedsheets and underneath the stars

I was not me when I was with you, I was better
You took my fears and made them strength...
You filled my voids and
you turned my tears and stress into laughter, and deep breaths

I can't say if you would agree,
but I trusted your words, your eyes, your care

Security was a feeling I had never known until I heard your knock at my door

The lies, hurt, pain, and many "goodbyes", won't touch the way I feel...

Our audience reminds me you are not my happy ending, maybe they're right...

For now there are no more words between us,
The game must stop.

Still, the me who was made with you is surviving,
breathing without your life support

Letting go is not giving up
Letting go is not losing what you love
Letting go is holding onto the good,
erasing the bad,
and growing.

He helped me fight
love
trust
grow

I am holding onto the best of you...and the best of me
The rest can go,
exiting through my tears and these words that are my last goodbye.

when it's said and done

you're sitting there calling yourself the victim,

I split and left you in two,
saying I'm the heartbreaker, I disrespected you
how about the shady stories, and those half "truths?"
how about those days I'd sit just waiting for a word from you

yeah I wasn't perfect, but neither were you
we both were learning, unsure of how to fight this war with our hearts
we didn't know how to win,
but actions speak louder then words, and your "I love you" couldn't work once and alone...
now the battlefield is empty--our white flags blowin in the wind

we're both alone, acting like we got some sort of pride to protect
as if nothing really happend--brush it off your shoulders some more--go ahead
everyone's watching you, kissin your wounds
you're probably expecting me to get a hold of you and make it right once again...
the ball's in your court this time, you won't see me dribblin toward you, so don't hold your breath

i guess we both seem to be too stubborn to speak, to open up, to face the reality of what went wrong

I've been through this shit before,
givin, what seemed like my all, to have nothing to show for it at the end

sorry I couldn't be your trophy wife

don't worry i'll be fine--learned how to mend this kind of break before you ever came along

go ahead, sit there and place all the tears and blame on me
but as you do look in the mirror,
rewind us at night,
pause when you need to, and take another look at how it all played out--
remind yourself of how it REALLY went down


as the saying goes, "it takes two...."
remember that the next time you open your god damn mouth

Feelin like a broken record,
...over and over again

Coulda sworn with you it'd be different
we've grown with eachother
trusted and uttered those three words we've feared because we'd seen so many others get burnt,
left in the dust

what do you say when it's said and done?
I've done my best to express how I'm feelin after love

All I can get out now is I'm sorry
I'm sorry, we've lost at our own battle
no winners
no losers
guess i'm still at a loss for what to call our journey together...

so move on and cast me as the bad guy in your story,
I guess for once I can role play for the other side
play the "played" one if you must...

Getting started

Let's see...I'm not sure where to start...
I began writing after advice from my mother.
When my parents separated when I was in 6th grade and my dad's disease of alcoholism and drug addiction began to worsen I had no idea how to deal with all these new fears, feelings, questions, anger, and sadness that my 11 year old self was experiencing. I was, and still am, very close to my mother who advised me to start writing, that it always was a healthy outlet for her in times of confusion.
To say the least, I took her advice and have been writing ever since.
I have kept most of my writing private, some of it I have not even read since I wrote it 8 years ago now.
Recently, I came upon an old K Swiss shoebox full of pieces of paper with my writing...it made me cry...mostly because it's hard to believe that those feelings I felt then I still feel today.

In my life recently reality has forced to me to realize just how short life truly is, and that it is nothing to take for granted.

A young beautiful soul who recently has passed has inspired me to take the suggestion of many of my friends in the past, and began blogging/sharing my writing with those who might be interested...so this blog is my attempt.

Poetry is the form of writing that I love, and that I enjoy doing...however sometimes my writing are just thoughts, randomly wrote down to simply get onto paper and out of my head...

Not sure which poems I will share first but this sort of "confession," or explanation of this blog is where I am starting...

Love,
Tues