My debt

About 3.5 years ago I started this blog... I think that is when I began to feel this fear that things were about to get worse inside my own head.

I have had a lot of push back lately, to say the least, from those that I never thought would judge me and or leave my side. Life is unexpected though, right? At least, that's what I have wrote about quite a bit throughout the years.

As the push back has occurred, I have been torn apart and spiraled down further then I could have ever imagined.  I then began receiving advice from others that maybe me being such an "open book," isn't a good idea... Maybe they're right... I do share a lot. I leave a lot up for interpretation, and a wise teacher once told me, "perception is reality." I can't change what those that read my writings, see pictures, pass by a status update, etc. perceive in their mind and then form from there. Whether that's forming a story to spread, an opinion to have, or an image of me they wish to not forget. I am not perfect, I have never claimed to be. I do not have that mentality or attitude to brag about myself. The times that I do, I feel more vulnerable about then when I share my pain and my suffering. 

Another thing that is not apart of my character  is being private. I have found that those willing to share and be an open book with me, have kept me alive. They have helped me; possibly more than they were ever aware of.

So, I guess what I'm saying is I can't stop being an open book. One day I hope to write a book, not to say I have had the most life experience to share or pain that I want people to read and feel sympathy for me...never that. However, I have been through more than a lot, and thank God for that. Another part of life I have been grateful for is that everyone are dealt different hands... If this was the hand that God, or some higher power, the universe felt that I could handle, then OK. I have "handled" the cards in my life in a lot of ways. Everything comes with consequences. Consequences, not always meaning negative. So maybe a better phrase for how I'm feeling is everything in life, comes with a price.

I will say I have paid a price, some cheaper than others. Right now I am in a part of my life where I'm balancing my life checkbook haha... trying to figure out how I got to feeling so in debt. In debt with myself. I have ripped myself off. That's how I feel. In this process of reflecting back on prices that were paid I am understanding my debt, and find the best ways to consolidate and get back on track... I underestimate the wealth, I believe, I have earned. A wealth that I have not yet been given, the inheritance is on it's way. First, I have to understand.

What I'm saying is I know how to handle being in debt and not having a lot to work with. I am grateful for that. I am grateful that I don't take wealth for granted. I have been without love and been abandoned on more than one occasion. I have been without guidance, and paved my own path. Again, not perfectly and again with a price I have paid and continue to. But, I have encountered some in my life who may not have been able to push aside the abandonment, find an outlet to keep going, and or be willing to take a road less or never traveled by. I was given strength; I realize that now. I was dealt this hand, not on accident, everything happens for a reason. Never, would I want a hand similar to mine, or worse, dealt to those without the strength. Those are my fallen comrades, and I grieve for them. I will get better for them, stay strong for them, and continue to pave a path to help others, because everyone deserves a legacy. Everyone has different skills to offer, help support, guide and love through fears.

Unfortunately I am not on the other side of my debt and I still have bills to pay, but I have made the decision to do better. To feel better. To live better. All in time. 

My fears are real. I am scared, really scared. I don't fear others, as much as I fear myself, and that is the biggest price I am paying.

An Open Book

You look for the words of others to express what sits below the surface
To find the words, to not feel alone
Security in the connection of pain, a pain that so many don't don't dare to hold once you've stripped down, standing, baring all...

Vulnerable hours

I hang up the phone
eyes red from the tears
and numb from my self meds

The truth that flows out of my mouth in those moments

at my most vulnerable
at my most honest

they scare me...
the most

I do a lot of harm
I know it
I hide it

My self meds bring it all out
There's no hiding my true colors in those wee hours of the morning
or those late nights where I still sit awake
Glass in hand
Headed to the car for the inhales

All to be numb
All to feel gone

All in those vulnerable hours
those wee hours of the morning
or those late nights

All to be numb
All to feel gone

If you never would've said anything...

With all the change
You remain
It drives me crazy

You never seem to be erased
Never fully gone

I yearn for peace
I try to do what's right

The pain is too much

Always seeking relief

Relief that is never satisfying

Relief that only does more harm

I'm a mess
I'm confused

But I hide it all so well

"If you never would've said anything, I never would've known..."

Full Grown

I look at the sweetest father daughter picture
that exists
My brown eyes matching yours,
kills me to see you every time I catch my reflection
You never escape my mind
and that only gives the fears their nutrients to grow

Full grown fears
I brought them up with me
My babies
My strange sense of comfort,
thanking them every few months when
these tears fall and these shakes exit my body
Constant birthdays...
No wonder these fears became so strong in the blink of an eye

The strength I front is constantly overpowered
Nothing settles within me,
even when things are calm
Always I corrupt what's innocent and untouched
Always complicating,
bringing the pain in with each breath

Looking at the sweetest father daughter picture that never had the chance to grow
Looking at the saddest father daughter picture that does exist
Your brown eyes matching mine covered up by the darkness of shades
Shading out what's bloodshot, withdrawaling and deprived
The admiration gone from your brown eyed girl
Full grown, while you're diminishing
Diminishing along with my sanity....

Fears full grown

Goosebumps

I hate

and I’m becoming bitter

and I’m being this bitch I never imagined

that I dreamed about

and I play this keyboard like a piano

this is my music

these words are my everything

this pain is my melody

you’re gonna love it

I want a standing ovation

I’m being so vulnerable

If I could sing this, you would feel the chills

goosebumps

If I could sing and reach you with notes, instead of hit you with the honesty of my words

maybe the world would understand

music is so universal

it starts out as just words

just like this

just like me

i just wanna be heard

and heard

and understood

I don’t give a fuck if you agree

just react

get over yourself

how some have treated me

abadoned me

let me go

judged me

took advantage

fuck

i’m at a breaking point

and the only person that will hear me

that will feel the pain that i need to let out

is me

my skin

my blood oozes for all you bitches

for all of you who are heartless, that just assumed you knew who i was

and took my smile through the bull shit as strength
strength that you had the nerve to say "inspired" you

strength that was proof that you could do whatever the fuck you felt like
another advantage you had on me
strength that meant you could remain the selfish, ignorant human that you will always be

and i would be ok

well you were wrong

you’re killing me

i’m killing me

this blade could kill me

another sip could kill me

and i wish i cared

cause my life is so promising

right?

cause i’m just at the beginning

right?

goosebumps

you feel them now?

Because you're gonna talk your shit either way

I've never claimed to be the girl that wasn’t going to make mistakes

or use sarcasm

inappropriate language

and whatever the fuck else you wanna refer to

to mask my pain

If I’m not meeting your expectations

well you go second to myself

so get the fuck in line

the day

if ever

that I claim I got my shit together,

and I know what direction I’m headed

the day

if ever

that I feel good enough being me

when breathing becomes easier

and you still wanna fight for attention

and you still ain't satisfied with me in your life

as a person

as a woman

whatever the fuck else you wanna refer to,

well then maybe

maybe

I’ll put you first

otherwise I’m done

done

done putting others before myself cause you know where that got me

it got me unhappy with myself

it hasn’t got me anywhere with people I tried to please

so fuck it

and fuck you

is that enough maturity for you?

or how about enough attention?

If I cared,

I’d ask for you to let me know

The Exit

Just another night

The same fight

The thought crossed my mind, like so many others I try to shake off and avoid

The thoughts that are twisted

The evidence of the two sides of me I can’t seem to keep straight

Well, This night

The “other,” got the best of me

Slicing the cheese

Just wanted a snack

You see, Food and alcohol usually suffices

But

Watching the slice of the cheese

I looked down at my skin, something excited me

To feel all the pain physically

Maybe I could breath easier

Maybe it would make more sense

Maybe this would fight the cloud away,

show that bitch that I’m crazier then she is

I switched from the cheese

to my wrist

I held the blade there for a second, pressed down a little harder...

Am I doing this?

It already feels nice

It’s cold

and hard

It’s okay

Deep breath

let it slide

Sliding across my skin I felt my adrenaline kick in

I smiled to myself

Feels good

Feels right

Just a quick second and

suddenly the pain deep down has a place to exit through

A mark to support it’s craziness

Suddenly there were 4 exits

I wanted all the pain gone,

to be free

I wanted to be free

no longer a slave to the depression

the cloud

the madness I hold inside

Little did I know that I would be throwing her a party through these actions

She got another victory

Each night now, she takes a shot and celebrates

On the bad nights, I get her fuuuucked up

ha..

Now the exits mark up my skin

I don’t know if there will ever be enough

If the pain and anxiety within gets the point of them

If they can find their way out

All I can do is make more

you know, show them the way

Right?

Just exit

GET OUT!

I’m not crazy

it makes sense

it’s all been within me and it was getting worse because everything was closed up

I rock back and forth now

Fighting the reach to my drawer where the blade just waits

While the bitch insides gets all dressed up for another night of partying

I’m making my exit from myself even further away

I’m getting lost in this maze

Maybe there never was an exit

I’m starting to think there never will be

but if you find the exit sign,

please help me

Morning Routine

I look down and I see the dried blood

The cat like scratches

Too many in a row?

Maybe

I look around

I see the stares

They’re thinking: too many in a row

Creepy

Scary

I scare myself but I see the stares at my wrist

then up at me

I look the other way

Shit,

I forgot to put the band aids on this morning

Another morning I struggled to get out of bed

With tears in my eyes and the demons screaming

but,

I got up

The hot water

Too hot?

Maybe

The hot water turning my skin red

Deep breath, just ignore what they’re saying

Fuck one day at a time

It’s more like one second at a time.

Every second fighting the urge to call it a day after only 30 minutes of being out of bed

Let the tears fall

Let the anxiety roll on by

We all have our morning routines

too real, too quick

too real too quick

long time coming but never thought this would be

me

me someone that is a pain to see

to look in the mirror

into my eyes that bleed

bleed

my skin bleeds now

too real

too quick

long time coming

but never wanted to bleed

literally

literally feeling the pain that is hard to express within me

read all about it

it

 

it:

my life

my pain

Dear God... I wish it wasn't true

I look at myself in the mirror and I see you

No matter the amount of time goes by

You’re still a part of me and I wish

dear god... I wish it wasn’t true

Doing what I got to do

Speeding past you on the road

Taking back the shot with you in my ear and your eyes are on me in the bar

Sometimes it’s like there’s no escaping you

Seeing your new love and wanting to be happy for the two of you

yet, I’m only human and the good in my heart spoils faster then I wish it would

I wish I could blame this on the deep red in this here cup,

but if you were to read this... you knew it’d be true

It’s possible it’s only this idea of what I’d always wished you were

what I built you up to be

what I believe you envisioned us becoming

It’s possible it’s this cloud of loneliness that I never was able to outrun

even when your body was my pillow, your arms yearning to show me security
your eyes telling me you were here, this was now...

I made loving me damn near impossible

The loneliness that I thought was the way to play the game,

is a demon I can’t seem to cleanse myself from

It’s possible that I still love you,

yet I no longer know me,

so how could I recognize a feeling that I found a way not to feel
That I sinned against, in order to become unworthy of what a blessing it was

You’re still a part of me and I wish

dear God... I wish it wasn’t true

React

talking to myself through reactions to others thoughts

lyrics

quotes

the beats that speak more then the words

lost in my own mind

clarity through the evidence I’m finiding

the reactions to others thoughts

never say never

AT THE END OF IT ALL YOU'RE ALONE

YOU GOTTA BE ABLE TO LOOK YOURSELF IN THE EYE

IN THE MIRROR

AND BE OK

I'M NOT OK

SOLD MYSELF IN MORE WAYS THEN ONE

HA FUNNY

SOMEHOW THIS ALL ENDED UP IN CAPS

GUESS THAT SHOWS HOW I'M YELLING INSIDE

WHILE INSIDE THIS CAVE I CALL A ROOM

THAT'S REALLY A HIDE OUT

SILENT

CAN'T WAKE OTHERS

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS

EVERYONE TELLING ME I'LL GET THROUGH THIS

YEAH SURE, THIS WILL PASS

YEAH SURE, I'LL ADMIT MY SINS

YET AGAIN

YEA SURE, LIFE WILL GO ON

HONESTLY THOUGH

WITHIN MY HEART

I NEVER KNOW IF I BELIEVE IT

NOR IF I WANT TO

I AM MY WORST ENEMY

THIS WAS ACCEPTED LONG AGO

LONG AGO WHEN I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE THIS GIRL

THIS WOMEN

THIS LOST SOUL

THIS DEPRESSED

THIS WILLING TO HURT...

my motivation, pride, faith, and breath is all fading again

i hate reality

i hate facing whats real

i hate doing what i need to do

because i feel that i've already failed

feeling as though it's worth nothing at all

my battle has grown

my wars within myself are getting worse

the better me losing

feeling weak

out of armor and weapons to fight back

where to go from here?

sinning with what i know heals the wounds for a while

a while just long enough, just long enough to fade way

fade away and lose myself 

my only break

I'ma bring the pain

try my best to do what's right

the devil and the anger over power too many times

can't help but to do what i know is wrong but what feels good

good to finally be the one to get revenge

to cause pain

coming out of my element

"kill them with kindness"

is it worth it that it's killing me more?

fuck that

gonna put me first

number one

me myself and i

every other out look has got me no where

how else do i put it?

can't play the fool no more

i may not see myself worthy of much

but outsmarting the bitch, i know i deserve at least that

let the music play

they say i'll be okay

i wish i believed those words

words like strength and beauty

that i can do this

cause right now i feel so weak

tears are fighting me

i don't want another daylight hidden away

nothing else seems right 

waiting for tonight

needing to get past the midnight hour

with the showers of self medication

the only time i don't feel

the time when breathing becomes easier and harder at the same time

fun, lifted to another reality

and another day i can say i made it,

no victory by any means, but another sunrise counts for something

to some

to some my outside image masks this pain

back in the day that was my goal

tuesday 1 life 0

ha 

if only i had thought this through

successfully creating my character that doesn't give a fuck

it's easier on the front, but deep down it only fuels the fire

the fire to my soul that burns deeper 

burning 
adding to the self inflicted wounds that turn to scars 
telling my story

scars hidden away, along with the reasons why i am the way i am

how that successful happy optimistic girl turned into a dark broken bitch behind the black curtains

engulfed in the physical mess, underneath the warmth i can disappear into

lifted again, thinking too much

let the music blast into my ears

words inspiring these words

another lost dreamer trying to shine the hope back in 

lifted

inspiration

breathing slowing down, closing down

made it past the midnight hour,

done with the showers

words inspring these words

let the music play...