Goosebumps

I hate

and I’m becoming bitter

and I’m being this bitch I never imagined

that I dreamed about

and I play this keyboard like a piano

this is my music

these words are my everything

this pain is my melody

you’re gonna love it

I want a standing ovation

I’m being so vulnerable

If I could sing this, you would feel the chills

goosebumps

If I could sing and reach you with notes, instead of hit you with the honesty of my words

maybe the world would understand

music is so universal

it starts out as just words

just like this

just like me

i just wanna be heard

and heard

and understood

I don’t give a fuck if you agree

just react

get over yourself

how some have treated me

abadoned me

let me go

judged me

took advantage

fuck

i’m at a breaking point

and the only person that will hear me

that will feel the pain that i need to let out

is me

my skin

my blood oozes for all you bitches

for all of you who are heartless, that just assumed you knew who i was

and took my smile through the bull shit as strength
strength that you had the nerve to say "inspired" you

strength that was proof that you could do whatever the fuck you felt like
another advantage you had on me
strength that meant you could remain the selfish, ignorant human that you will always be

and i would be ok

well you were wrong

you’re killing me

i’m killing me

this blade could kill me

another sip could kill me

and i wish i cared

cause my life is so promising

right?

cause i’m just at the beginning

right?

goosebumps

you feel them now?

Because you're gonna talk your shit either way

I've never claimed to be the girl that wasn’t going to make mistakes

or use sarcasm

inappropriate language

and whatever the fuck else you wanna refer to

to mask my pain

If I’m not meeting your expectations

well you go second to myself

so get the fuck in line

the day

if ever

that I claim I got my shit together,

and I know what direction I’m headed

the day

if ever

that I feel good enough being me

when breathing becomes easier

and you still wanna fight for attention

and you still ain't satisfied with me in your life

as a person

as a woman

whatever the fuck else you wanna refer to,

well then maybe

maybe

I’ll put you first

otherwise I’m done

done

done putting others before myself cause you know where that got me

it got me unhappy with myself

it hasn’t got me anywhere with people I tried to please

so fuck it

and fuck you

is that enough maturity for you?

or how about enough attention?

If I cared,

I’d ask for you to let me know

The Exit

Just another night

The same fight

The thought crossed my mind, like so many others I try to shake off and avoid

The thoughts that are twisted

The evidence of the two sides of me I can’t seem to keep straight

Well, This night

The “other,” got the best of me

Slicing the cheese

Just wanted a snack

You see, Food and alcohol usually suffices

But

Watching the slice of the cheese

I looked down at my skin, something excited me

To feel all the pain physically

Maybe I could breath easier

Maybe it would make more sense

Maybe this would fight the cloud away,

show that bitch that I’m crazier then she is

I switched from the cheese

to my wrist

I held the blade there for a second, pressed down a little harder...

Am I doing this?

It already feels nice

It’s cold

and hard

It’s okay

Deep breath

let it slide

Sliding across my skin I felt my adrenaline kick in

I smiled to myself

Feels good

Feels right

Just a quick second and

suddenly the pain deep down has a place to exit through

A mark to support it’s craziness

Suddenly there were 4 exits

I wanted all the pain gone,

to be free

I wanted to be free

no longer a slave to the depression

the cloud

the madness I hold inside

Little did I know that I would be throwing her a party through these actions

She got another victory

Each night now, she takes a shot and celebrates

On the bad nights, I get her fuuuucked up

ha..

Now the exits mark up my skin

I don’t know if there will ever be enough

If the pain and anxiety within gets the point of them

If they can find their way out

All I can do is make more

you know, show them the way

Right?

Just exit

GET OUT!

I’m not crazy

it makes sense

it’s all been within me and it was getting worse because everything was closed up

I rock back and forth now

Fighting the reach to my drawer where the blade just waits

While the bitch insides gets all dressed up for another night of partying

I’m making my exit from myself even further away

I’m getting lost in this maze

Maybe there never was an exit

I’m starting to think there never will be

but if you find the exit sign,

please help me

Morning Routine

I look down and I see the dried blood

The cat like scratches

Too many in a row?

Maybe

I look around

I see the stares

They’re thinking: too many in a row

Creepy

Scary

I scare myself but I see the stares at my wrist

then up at me

I look the other way

Shit,

I forgot to put the band aids on this morning

Another morning I struggled to get out of bed

With tears in my eyes and the demons screaming

but,

I got up

The hot water

Too hot?

Maybe

The hot water turning my skin red

Deep breath, just ignore what they’re saying

Fuck one day at a time

It’s more like one second at a time.

Every second fighting the urge to call it a day after only 30 minutes of being out of bed

Let the tears fall

Let the anxiety roll on by

We all have our morning routines

too real, too quick

too real too quick

long time coming but never thought this would be

me

me someone that is a pain to see

to look in the mirror

into my eyes that bleed

bleed

my skin bleeds now

too real

too quick

long time coming

but never wanted to bleed

literally

literally feeling the pain that is hard to express within me

read all about it

it

 

it:

my life

my pain