About 3.5 years ago I started this blog... I think that is when I began to feel this fear that things were about to get worse inside my own head.
I have had a lot of push back lately, to say the least, from those that I never thought would judge me and or leave my side. Life is unexpected though, right? At least, that's what I have wrote about quite a bit throughout the years.
As the push back has occurred, I have been torn apart and spiraled down further then I could have ever imagined. I then began receiving advice from others that maybe me being such an "open book," isn't a good idea... Maybe they're right... I do share a lot. I leave a lot up for interpretation, and a wise teacher once told me, "perception is reality." I can't change what those that read my writings, see pictures, pass by a status update, etc. perceive in their mind and then form from there. Whether that's forming a story to spread, an opinion to have, or an image of me they wish to not forget. I am not perfect, I have never claimed to be. I do not have that mentality or attitude to brag about myself. The times that I do, I feel more vulnerable about then when I share my pain and my suffering.
Another thing that is not apart of my character is being private. I have found that those willing to share and be an open book with me, have kept me alive. They have helped me; possibly more than they were ever aware of.
So, I guess what I'm saying is I can't stop being an open book. One day I hope to write a book, not to say I have had the most life experience to share or pain that I want people to read and feel sympathy for me...never that. However, I have been through more than a lot, and thank God for that. Another part of life I have been grateful for is that everyone are dealt different hands... If this was the hand that God, or some higher power, the universe felt that I could handle, then OK. I have "handled" the cards in my life in a lot of ways. Everything comes with consequences. Consequences, not always meaning negative. So maybe a better phrase for how I'm feeling is everything in life, comes with a price.
I will say I have paid a price, some cheaper than others. Right now I am in a part of my life where I'm balancing my life checkbook haha... trying to figure out how I got to feeling so in debt. In debt with myself. I have ripped myself off. That's how I feel. In this process of reflecting back on prices that were paid I am understanding my debt, and find the best ways to consolidate and get back on track... I underestimate the wealth, I believe, I have earned. A wealth that I have not yet been given, the inheritance is on it's way. First, I have to understand.
What I'm saying is I know how to handle being in debt and not having a lot to work with. I am grateful for that. I am grateful that I don't take wealth for granted. I have been without love and been abandoned on more than one occasion. I have been without guidance, and paved my own path. Again, not perfectly and again with a price I have paid and continue to. But, I have encountered some in my life who may not have been able to push aside the abandonment, find an outlet to keep going, and or be willing to take a road less or never traveled by. I was given strength; I realize that now. I was dealt this hand, not on accident, everything happens for a reason. Never, would I want a hand similar to mine, or worse, dealt to those without the strength. Those are my fallen comrades, and I grieve for them. I will get better for them, stay strong for them, and continue to pave a path to help others, because everyone deserves a legacy. Everyone has different skills to offer, help support, guide and love through fears.
Unfortunately I am not on the other side of my debt and I still have bills to pay, but I have made the decision to do better. To feel better. To live better. All in time.
My fears are real. I am scared, really scared. I don't fear others, as much as I fear myself, and that is the biggest price I am paying.
