I never imagined me like this
Life with these events
I pictured a whole other world
Day after day
A new curveball
Another bullet to dodge
Positivity doesn’t get me far
It’s as if I get punished for feeling relief
For sleeping at night
For staying sober
All I feel is god’s hand on my head pushing me down
Down into any demeaning
Hurtful
Low place possible
Any low place my mind will wander too…
And my mind’s been back and forth to the edge more times then I can count
No trust
Phony smiles
And “doing goods”
If I move forward even one step
I get moved 5 back from whoever is rolling my dice
I want to breathe…again
To let go
But it seems impossible
I’m broken
I hurt
My room is dark for a reason
There are heavy black shades so when I sleep through what I should be doing,
I can lie to myself that it’s still night time,
That it’s not unusual and sick to still be in bed
If I could stay locked up day after day I would
Anxiety just oozes out
My breathe shortens
My heart races
Facing new days scare
Something else happens
Another tear is shed
Bottle finished
Curve ball thrown just fast enough for me strike out again
To be sent back to the dug out
No moving forward,
Definitely no homeruns
No winning
Dark thoughts of my teenage past seep back in more then I’ll ever admit
In the mirror I can see my 12 year old self,
Deep back in my eyes I see her
I hurt for her
I feel ashamed
Going back on so many promises I made to her then
Waking up from blackouts…
Blurred nights…
To the guys leaving our bed at 3 am
She shakes her head at me
She hurts for me too
The mirror is the worst
I hurt myself more then anyone else has
Or could
No moving forward
Definitely no homeruns…
I don’t allow myself to win
All that I’ve faced
Seen
Heard
Felt
Wrote
Drank
Smoked
Sucked
Done
I don’t deserve better
Destructive is what I’ve become
Destruction is what is left
All that’s left
Can’t you see why it’s hard to move forward
Hit a homerun
To win…
Writing these truths
Truths that I have never admitted
I’m at a loss
Screaming inside
Gotta end the honesty now,
To maybe win…
